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I went to take a bag of trash to the dumpster and saw a big black trash bag sitting in front of it, instead of being tossed inside it. So, I walk towards it, figuring I will throw it in along with mine. Before I can grab the bag, however, a cat jumps out from behind it, hisses at me and runs off. This understandably scares seven shades of crap outta me, causing me to jump and inadvertently kick the bag – which then splits down the side, exposing smaller, grocery style bags of trash inside.
Feeling dumb for jumping, I pick up the escaped mini-bags and toss em in the dumpster. At which point, one of them splits open, releasing a lovely cloud of death gas (aka mold dust/spores) right into my face. Now coughing, sputtering, and gasping for air (I’m allergic to mold), I quickly toss the offending bag into the dumpster and hustle PDQ back to my apartment to find my inhaler and wash my face.
I manage to fumble my way back and immediately search for my inhaler, only to find it gone. So, I settle for grabbing a cup of ice to breath into and hopping into the shower to rinse off whatever got on my skin. Then, having gone through all of that, I stumble upon my inhaler hiding under the chair. I grab a quick puff, then redress, and sit down – only to realize that I must have dropped my damn phone out of my pocket when I jumped and it’s now laying on the ground outside next to the murderous mother-bag.
I approach the bag carefully, with the collar of my hoodie pulled up over my nose and mouth, and quickly bend down to grab my phone, which I can see sitting right beside it. It is at this point that the goddamn-thrice-cursed-sonovabitchin-cat-from-hell jumps out of the bag yet again and scares another seven shades of crap outta me, causing me to squeal like a tiny child and move like lightning back to my apartment, where I collapse on the couch to take a deep, non-threatening breath and think back on the entire incident…
Which is when I started laughing so hard I damn near peed my pants, had to use the inhaler again (mold kicks my ass big time), and decided I needed to share my tiny tale with others who might appreciate it the humor of murderous trash bags and conspiratorial cats.